Dispossessed of Poetry
empty in the soul?
I am a window awake at night in the cold. Eyes in my soul, but I still feel that I am without. I wonder why I do all of it, anyway. I wonder what the point even is.
Could it really be that this is all there is to life? I never thought that possible. Yet, that truth glimmers up in front of me, shining in big, bright waves of iridescence. Maybe that’s just the way things are. I’m tired of being sad about it. I’m tired of wishing for something different — that only brings you pain. And cults. It brings you to cults.
The truth of your life is that you can either start a cult, or you can join one. Or you can choose to do something different. It always sounds so interesting, the promise of doing something different. It always stirs the soul. But in a world built on rigid lines, “doing something interesting” always manages to become “doing something hard”, maybe “swimming against the resistance of all there is”, maybe “regret”, maybe… in the darkest moments… it even feels like “going against thy nature.” Is it unholy? What is unholy…? Would that I could just exist. But in that dream, would I still even want to, if it was all the same…?
And this is how I tend to find myself in the morning — stripped of all surreality, dispossessed of poetry, empty in the soul. Yet I feel it now in the evening… and it feels whole. Here, in the evening, my emptiness is fullness. I like the idea of rejoining the universe… eventually. Only after I have made the most of my time experiencing it. How unusual it is, how wretched. How content. I may make the holy from the profane just yet. Blood becoming water in my open wound, and from each drop… the reconciliation of good and evil…
Even so, there’s a whisper in my heart tonight. There’s something in the great cavern of evil, stirring off somewhere else, but my focus isn’t on all that for once. I can hear susurrus current pumping through my blood, making its way through the heart, to the head, to the body, to the soul…
Keep going, the voice of everything says. Keep going until you are dead.
